I rip them off soup cans and use them to line my cage.
Brilliant. We who are intensely familiar with dysfunctional family systems are acutely aware of the dysfunctional “family” system of the political scheme of the USA. We have to UNITE in our AWARENESS of the gaslight! We’ve been pointing at the blue sky screaming “it’s blue!” for so long, and with all the psychopaths around us saying, “no, it’s green,” we’ve accepted our labels of “crazy,” “lacking insight,” “hopeless,” and “tragically disconnected from reality.” THANK YOU FOR ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THE DAMN SKY IS BLUE!
Delusion: I am a prisoner of war.
They attack me in the doctors office. Typical-looking doctors office, with the little table-chair with the paper for your dirty butt to sit on because you’re sick. But I didn’t sit on the table, I sat in the chair, because I didn’t think I was sick.
I must be crying. Am I really in here again? What do I want from them?
It’s not words that form first when it comes to trauma. It’s feelings, and my feelings are sad and scared. I am deluded, thinking they would notice “sad,” and “scared” and know that it probably came from trauma, and help me with that, and then everything would be better.
The police come in. I don’t know how many, sometimes it is only two, sometimes five or six. They are multiplied by each having two hands, all gloved in blue latex in a doctors office, but the doctor isn’t wearing blue latex – only the police.
Why are they already wearing gloves? Did they put on the gloves outside in the hallway? Did they stand in the hallway like the SWAT team, and suddenly the commander flashes a “go” sign and they all charge in, like the night they battered down the door to the apartment where I lived with the boy who killed himself….?
I jump back, not forward. They grab me anyway – I thought they were only supposed to grab you when you attack them, and when I jump back it isn’t an attack, it’s because they’re between me and the door, and that leaves me only one escape: turning into a ghost and passing directly through that corner right there behind the chair I sit in. I don’t like it when they grab me, but they twist my arm behind my back and push my elbow up towards my shoulder socket, and they all weigh twice as much as me anyway so they beat me pretty easily.
Then they cuff me behind my back, and the backseats of the cop cars are actually plastic, like a baby booster seat. I have to sit sideways because the metal hurts against the plastic seat, but I’m used to this now. Sometimes the police play their own music, like the radio. Sometimes it’s just the police scanner. They always call in to dispatch what they’re doing, something like “medical transport,” and the beginning mileage on their odometer and the dispatcher responds with the time of day.
Now I’m in the other chair, at the top of the elevator. How did I get up the elevator? Someone’s making me angry, but I don’t remember the face. I don’t want to be here. Before, they said they wouldn’t admit me unless I was suicidal, now I’m saying I’m not suicidal and they still won’t let me go. I’m confused. Why am I here?
Then I hear a voice from a past life, from somewhere else.
A prisoner of war:
Listen to me.
You’ve been captured. They’re going to break you now. They’re going to torture you and try to take everything you have. You must give them nothing. No matter what they do to you, give them nothing.
Now we’re in the ward, in the room with no toilet and there’s another table. Only this one has chains on it which go to thick leather straps with giant buckles – restraints. Why am I in here? The police are still there, and some other attendants including Solomon who I remember from my last visit. They all look through me.
Someone says I must remove all my clothing.
“No,” I say. I will not.
Someone says something about looking for evidence of self harm.
“No,” I still say.
Someone grabs me by the wrist. I wrench it back. Then there are hands everywhere, and everyone has gloves on. All the policemen, all the attendants. More come in. They’re saying, “she’s strong!”
They force me on the table. The force my legs open, and one man sits on each leg. One man holds each arm. One man forces his weight into his knee in my back. “She’s strong…”
They get my legs tied to the table. They shackle one wrist, and start on the other. I broke my wrist when I was thirteen, and it’s atrophied and narrow. I slip through the shackle, and twist in the restraints, pushing off the men.
“She’s loose! Grab her!”
All the men pile their weight on top of me. My lungs flatten. Solomon must tighten the right shackle to its smallest setting. It’s tighter than it’s supposed to go, so he has to wrench the leather strap through the buckle several times before he can successfully fasten it. He’s out of breath.
“OUCH, Solomon,” I say to him. Our faces are inches apart. He hasn’t looked at me yet, but he looks at me, and his eyes are brown. Suddenly he looks sad.
“You remember me?” he says. I don’t answer him.
They tie me down. They pull my pants and underwear down for the first time and inject me three times with 2mg each of three different sedatives.
They wait a while, and finally the men all leave, laughing and already reminiscing about how much fun they just had. Things are hazy now. The woman I’m left with is sweet, but I don’t want her to do what she is about to do.
“We have to check your body now, Vico,” she says. “I’m going to try to do this as gently as possible.”
It’s not easy to gently undress someone in restraints, especially pulled down so tight like the elastic I am, stretched over that table like animal skin on a drum head. It takes some yanking to get my pants undone and pulled down to my ankles, and then back up; and to get my shirt and bra pulled up around my neck.
She’s gone. There’s another woman who I can’t see in a chair by the doorway. I don’t know how long it’s been. I really need to use the bathroom.
“I need to pee,” I tell her.
“Please, I need to pee. You have to let me pee,” I say.
“Not until you calm down.”
“Please, I’m going to pee myself!”
“Good. You just lay there and piss yourself then.”
A long time passes, but it’s difficult to gauge, with the room fuzzy and blotchy from the drugs. 30 to 45 minutes.
They must have eventually let me out, and let me pee. I say “must have” because I am here, writing this now and not still tied down on that table. I think I remember someone letting me go. But I don’t remember anything else from that time.
I suppose I’m not a prisoner of war. It would be very unpatriotic for me to assume that. Torture only happens in places like Guantanomo Bay. If I had really been a political prisoner, I would have been labelled, and everywhere I go my label would identify itself to the authorities. And that label would go on to ensure that I am forever treated as an ex-con, and a mischeif-minded scoundrel for my rebellious and anarchist behavior.
What a relief to get that silly delusion out of my head.
I’m fighting the system, and I’m not sure who’s winning.
Receiving state disability. Not enough to pay rent, but maybe enough to save up and make a move towards permanence
Receiving my PTSD diagnosis from a clinician who works for the same organization that caused the trauma
Finally getting my appointment with a neurologist (later this month)
Receiving support from my MD in regards to the trauma I’ve gone through as a direct result of misdiagnosis of my epilepsy, and mental illness stigma over my seizures
Retraumatization with the inept and sadistic health workers in the Emergency Room, and with the mental health assessment I consented to for the PTSD evaluation
Continued seizures and horrible headaches after starting medication
Having to force my partner out of my life, after finally speaking with an advocate at Domestic Violence Services
I’d be nowhere without my seizure response dog 🙂
What Is a Seizure Alert Dog?
Since I obtained my first Seizure Alert/Response Dog I have had many people ask me just that question.
A seizure alert dog has the ability to warn a person of an impending seizure moments or hours before the person has clinical signs of a seizure. When trained to have safe, reliable behavior in public, seizure alert dogs can be service dogs for people with disabilities.
How Do Dogs Know a Person Is Going to Have a Seizure?
This is a question that has yet to be answered. Right now, all the evidence about this phenomenon that has been gathered is anecdotal. There seems to be at least 2 distinct phases of altering behavior. First, the dog recognizes that a seizure is going to occur. Then the dog physically reacts to that perception. Several hypothesis have been proposed as to what a dog…
View original post 2,284 more words
Sent via email: a list of ways in which I identify as being abused from childhood to present is available at http://emotionalabuseawareness.tumblr.com/
The things which damaged me the most are highlighted in Bold.
Remember all our correspondences are now being sent to a therapist.
Refusing to acknowledge or respond to this will result in my cutting off all contact with both of you indefinitely.
Manipulation of Guilt Feelings
– having a negative attitude towards the child because they were a product of sexual abuse against the mother
– tell stories of how complicated the pregnancy / birth was, how much the parent had to suffer, or how difficult the child was a baby / toddler – without making it clear to them that it’s not their fault that the mother had to make such an effort
– blame the child for any health problems they have (e.g. asthma [epilepsy]), either directly or indirectly by complaining to them or other people about how much one has to spend on the child
– constant demand for gratitude, because the parent is spending time and money on the child
– act as if one were a martyr for the child and as if the child were responsible for ruining the parent’s life
– generally giving the child the blame for all problems that the parents have, including drug addiction, alcohol addiction (‘You are such a difficult child, that’s why I began to drink.’, etc.),…
– give the child the responsibility for the feelings of parents (’You don’t behave well – you don’t want me to be happy…’)
– exaggerating the consequences of the behaviour of the child (‘If mum gets sick, it will be your fault.’, ‘You’ll be the cause of my death.’,…)
– in situations where the abuse is seen by outsiders, forcing the child to lie and take the blame (forcing you to apologize & take blame for their mistake)
– if the child experiences physical or sexual violence, blame the child either directly or indirectly due to lack of sexual education and opportunities to discuss the topic in order to explain to the child that it’s not its fault
– make/buy/say stuff of which the child has expressly stated that they didn’t want, and then require deep gratitude and manipulating the child into feelings of guilt
– blaming the child for clearly abusive behaviour by the parent (‘I would not yell at / insult / hit you if only you were better.’)
– promising the child rewards, although one knows that the conditions for it can’t be met anyway and/or keep demanding more and more conditions for the reward (for example, if they managed to clean the room, setting an advanced condition, that the child also has to clean the bathroom) – the child is suggested that it’s their fault that they haven’t reached the goal (reward) even though in reality the reward is unattainable
– encourage other people to apply one-sided and negative psychological pressure on the child (e.g. telling the teacher / therapist / pastor etc. about the “bad child“ so that he/she may “encourage“ them ‘to obey its parents better’ independently of the parent’s (abusive) behaviour)
– psychological pressure / fear mongering through religion or similar things (‘If you’re disobedient, you’ll go to hell.’, ‘You’re possessed by the devil!’, ‘God sees if you’re bad and will punish you severely.’, ‘Satan is trying to lead you astray – don’t even think about disobeying us [parents].’
– never admitting one’s own mistakes, instead having to be always right, without exception, and always having to have the last word – even if the explanation is far-fetched or simply plain wrong; never apologizing
– blocking out any discussion if the child points out the abusive behaviour with arguments like‘You are ungrateful!’, ‘How dare you to say something like that!’, possibly followed by an enumeration of all the things that are good in the family (e.g. excursions, holidays, birthday parties, leisure activities, etc.) or prodding to those who have it ‘worse’
– denying the emotional abuse by pointing out that you don’t abuse the child, because you don’t beat them
– mocking or ignoring the feelings (and tears) of the child and/or seeing them as wrong and punishable (a sign of weakness)
-ridicule wishes / dreams / goals of the child (‘Don’t be ridiculous, that’s a really hard job!’ ) – showing no confidence in the child
– ridicule or trivialize/devalue feelings and concerns of the child (‘…you’re just imagining stuff …’, ‘You are exaggerating!’, ‘You have no reason to be sad.’, ‘Don’t make such a fuss!’, ’Don’t get angry’, ’You’re too sensitive!’,…) or angry reaction to it (‘I have my problems too and don’t act like that!’, ‘You’re so selfish, you don’t think about your poor mom who has enough problems of her own!’,…)
– prohibiting the child from having negative emotions such as anger or sadness because it is viewed as selfish or sinful
– denying the perception of the child; denying abusive situations (‘You’re lying, I didn’t start the dispute, you did’, ‘We fixed that’,…)
– downplay problematic events in the child’s life (e.g. bullying at school or serious illness) and/or blame the child for them
– dismissive reaction to obvious mental problems (self-harm, suicidal behaviour, eating disorders, etc.) of the child (‘What have we done to deserve such a disturbed child?’, ‘I always knew that you were crazy.’, ’You’re doing it just to get attention,…)
– consistently impose one’s own opinion on the child without caring about the views and feelings of the child (‘I don’t care what you think!’, ‘” I don’t agree with how you remember things!’,…); teach blind obedience – the child is not allowed to have their own opinion
– always criticizing the child’s views and opinions while often encouraging them at the same time to speak up – the child is not allowed to express their own opinion (respectively only as long as it’s the same opinion as the parent’s)
– the child is only allowed to speak when asked / spoken to by the parents
Role Reversal/ Self Satisfaction of the Parents
– expect the child to have sympathy with the “reasons” behind the abusive behaviour (‘I just get too worked up to think about
this.’, ‘Life is just so difficult…’, ‘I had a bad childhood ‘, ‘Don’t be mad at me, you know that I have anger issues and can’t help it…’, ‘It’s because of the borderline personality disorder…‘,…) while refusing to get (professional) help
– showcasing the child: they’re forced against their will to learn skills like playing an instrument or gaining outstanding competence in a sport or to participate in contests – subsequent praise by outsiders serves the parents self-satisfaction
– forcing the child to have physical contact, when they don’t want to (e.g. disguising painful methods of physical control (e.g. “milking your mouse”) as signs of affection even though they have said that they don’t like that; tickle even if they don’t want it: ‘Don’t be a spoilsport!‘) – deny the child control over their own body
– set unattainable goals, unattainable demands; never be satisfied (take top marks at school (and at free time activities) for granted; punish anything that’s “worse” than a straight A)
– not allowing the child to make any mistakes (punishing or mocking them)
– no encouraging, positive words; take everything for granted, especially when the achievements are not necessarily age-compliant
– prohibition or non-teaching of activities (e.g. cooking, paying taxes, doing homework) and then humiliating the child, because the child can’t do them
– punishing or mocking the child for mistakes that aren’t yet biologically and developmentally feasible, however the parent sees the behaviour as impudence or disobedience (e.g. the baby who pees on the mother; the toddler who cannot sit quietly for an extended length of time;”
– punish the child for poor school performance without offering solutions (e.g. tutoring) and / or without having created a learning-friendly environment to start with (for example, never caring about school matters and never helping with homework, verbally abusing the child as a form of “teaching” at home, etc.)
Wrong limits: Inappropriate degrees of control
-set no limits: the child gets everything when, where and how they want
– inconsistent limits #1: mood swings: for no apparent reason, or at a minimal offense, the mood of the mother changes from loving to extremely irritated – this includes usually unpredictable / inconsistent behaviour: today something is forbidden and punished, tomorrow the same behaviour is desired and is praised, just depending on the current mood of the mother
– inconsistent limits #2: two faces: behave one way in front of strangers (usually more loving, peaceful, compassionate towards the child) and a completely different way (cold, harsh, mean) when alone with the child
– set too strict limits: controlling the life of the child in a way which is inappropriate for their age
– over-mothering/over-protecting the child, thus giving them no chance to make their own experiences and learn from mistakes (e.g. the daughter is never allowed to help in the kitchen or help with the household or is only allowed to do quiet games, out of fear from the parent that she may hurt herself”
– follow the child everywhere they go, never leaving them alone to control them and out of an unsubstantiated assumption that they will otherwise do “bad things”
– spying on the child
– failing give the child no (age-appropiated) privacy (e.g. for a teen: read their mail, search the bedroom, listen to private phone calls, read private e-mails, give no privacy in the bathroom)
– regulations / restrictions for everyday needs such as going to the toilet, taking a shower, etc.
– severe restriction on the books, that they are allowed to read (e.g. only books “for girls”)
– severe restriction on the music, which they are allowed to hear (e.g. only religious music)
– forcing the child to wear a certain clothing style (e.g. girls may only wear skirts) and not allowing any input from the child, even though the child is of an age where input should be expected (school uniforms or special events/circumstances not withstanding)
– dictating the child’s hair style (bangs, pulled back, braids, long or short etc.), against the wishes of the child even though the child is of an age where they should have some input (school customs or special events/circumstances not withstanding) \
– prohibit or severely restrict the contact with other children (-> isolation)
– prohibit recreational activities – provided that they aren’t questionable and that there are no financial or organizational obstacles
– not giving age-appropriate leeway (e.g. shopping with friends from a certain age on)
Damaging effect on relationships: partner, siblings, others,
– expect understanding and cooperation from the child in dealing with the abusive parent (‘Do this, otherwise your father will get a tantrum again.’, ‘If Mom finds that out, we’ll be in trouble.’, ‘Have understanding for the difficult behaviour of your mother – she did have a bad childhood’,…)
– constant negative comparison with the siblings (‘Your sister can do … better than you. You’re brother scored better on his ACT’s.’)
– set excessive expectations or put under pressure in comparison with the siblings (‘Why can’t you be more like your brother.’, ‘You must be the perfect sister.’ )
– have a favourite child who is allowed to do anything, while the other siblings must stick strictly to the rules and are punished more severely, or vice versa – have a child that is treated worse and allowed less than any of the other siblings
– assign one of the children the role of scapegoat for the failings of the siblings
– speak negatively to one child about the other siblings; play the siblings against each other
– sexist behaviour: prefer the boys in the family and let them have more freedom than the girls
– tolerate emotional / physical / sexual abuse by other persons (including partner/teacher/clergymember) towards the child and compound the problem by not acknowledging the abuse and/or not protecting the child (e.g. not seeking help and not doing everything possible to separate from an abusive partner.)
– hush up problems #1: complain to the partner or other persons behind the child’s back about problems one has with the child, while acting in front of the child as if everything is OK and not address the problems
– hush up problems 2: in case of disease, death, etc. in the family, not giving the child an age-appropriate explanation thereby calming their fears and leaving room for sadness – instead just do as if nothing happened or mourn without talking about the problem to the child
– take out anger toward other persons (e.g. partners, step-mother, boss) on the child
– do rants in which the child is scolded representatively for other persons (e.g.‘That’s what I would like to say to my mother, it’s not addressed at you.‘)
Negative, abstruse world views; personality disorders
– see emotional or physical violence as a normal means of communication
– transfer one’s own bad attitude towards sexuality to the child: create fear of sex; use offensive language; sexualizing innocent actions of the child, (e.g. accusing the child of “touching the dog’s penis” when in fact she is only petting him) etc.
– forcing the child into traditional gender roles (‘You’re a girl, you shouldn’t play with trucks. Go play with dolls!’, ‘As a woman, you should stay in the house, raise children and be a good wife and diligent housewife’, ‘The man is in authority in the house.’, ‘You as a man shouldn’t do a woman’s job. Let your sister clean the table.’,…)
– confront the child prematurely with world problems (e.g. explaining the death of Princess Diana to a 6 year old) or overwhelm them
– focus the attention heavily on money and material things, at the expense of teaching interpersonal social skills and empathy
– manipulate by feelings of guilt by not forgetting and forgiving anything – the child is constantly reproached for past mistakes (at least in the subjective perspective of the parents “mistakes”) – and to muzzle the child, especially during arguments (e.g. list all past guilty acts as a ‘proof’ that the child is evil; ‘You lied once, I don’t believe you anymore.’,”
– all-are-against-me worldview: twisting words and actions (even positive ones) of the child (and others) until it looks like a personal attack against the parent (e.g. the child didn’t say ‘I sometimes feel ignored’ – the child said ’You are a neglecting, evil mum and I want to have your attention 100% of the time and that you serve me like a slave’, which is “obviously” spoiled, selfish and ungrateful; ) – there’s everywhere a conspiracy against the poor parent, the parent is always a victim
– invent bad stories about the child: invent that they have done a bad thing (e.g. stolen something or taken drugs, or simply been naughty) and must therefore be reprimanded, punished. Sometimes the lie is further told to the partner, the teachers, friends, etc. It can be done for the joy of lowering the child’s self-esteem, or because the parent really is convinced of their own tale, or it can be to direct the fury of the abusive partner away from oneself and towards the child
– have an irrational distrust, believing that the child is evil and will do wicked things if given the chance (e.g. not giving them the house key because they may steal and demolish things from the house, locking their door at night because the child may “kill them with an axe”)
– denying past abuse – where the abuser has actually forgotten it or pushed it aside
– disclaiming emotional abuse as a ‘real’ abuse – only physical and sexual violence are bad and wrong. These parents are often really proud that they don’t beat their child – as opposed to perhaps their own parents – and do not consider that they are inflicting emotional abuse on their child
– excessive greed: despite having financial resources, letting the child walk around with worn out clothes or give them bad food etc. – while the parents either grant themselves everything or equally deprive themselves
– excessive cleanliness, cleaning compulsions, excessive order in the house – with harsh punishments for even minor accidents
– take out the frustration of one’s own childhood on the child – because the parent himself/herself had a bad childhood, their own child shouldn’t have it better
– see the child as a possession or as some kind of toy to be entertained by – they shouldn’t express their own needs or any negative, unfunny emotion
– label normal child/youth behaviour like them wanting to have cool clothes as ‘sinful’
– once the child is diagnosed with e.g. depression or bipolar disorder or other mental problems, escape responsibility by using the disease as an excuse/explanation for the child’s feelings and behaviour, deliberately ignoring the fact that the original reason for the break out of the illness and for the feelings was and is often the parent’s (and/or other people’s, e.g. bullying schoolmates’) behaviour.
– admit that there’s “something wrong” – often after the child/youth has started therapy – but then either “change” ad try to ignore the past, unwilling to see the long-term-effect the abuse had on the child (e.g. stop yelling but keep the psychological abuse and put the child under pressure ‘We have changed, we are not abusive anymore, so stop self-harming and being depressive!’) or “berate” oneself (‘I’m such a bad parent, am I?’) without making long-term changes; not change but play the victim, blaming e.g. the abusive partner or the circumstances, unwilling to admit the consequences of one’s own actions and one’s own damaging role in the whole abusive situation
– gaslighting: is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, andsanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Emotionally damaging “disciplinary“ actions
– yell or scream at the child
– have a cold and repellent behaviour towards the child as a punishment
– punish the child with the silent treatment
– give the child the stern look
– totally ignore the child, not reacting if they say something, see through them as if they weren’t there, overlook them – this can last for weeks (or a lifetime)
– have an “I’m angry with you and therefore won’t talk to you” attitude; in extreme cases reduce the verbal exchange with the child to an absolute minimum (e.g. only ‘Get up.’ & ‘The food is ready.’ & ‘Go to bed.’) for days or even weeks
– threaten to bring the child to a children’s home (while implying that these are scary places and the child will be treated there badly) or a correctional facility (or school)
– threaten to harm the child through physical or sexual violence (‘‘Stop crying or I’ll give you a real reason!’,…) (and then maybe actually do it)
– threaten to injure or kill or give away pets the child loves if they don’t obey (I’m going to take your cat to the river and drown it!); threaten to destroy toys the child loves (e.g. ‘I’m going to take all your stuffed animals and sell them!’) (and then maybe actually do it)
– control and manipulation through sermons which last minutes to hours, even after the slightest offenses – often with religious elements
– lock the child up a in a room as punishment (particularly dark rooms such as cellars or broom closets, but also other rooms)
– social isolation
– hush up problems #3: The child is not told when they make a mistake or that a certain behaviour is expected of them, but they will be punished without any explanation by stern look or by ignoring them or inflicting guilt (e.g. the sad look of the father) or other punishment methods
– punishment/reward systems, artificial “logical” consequences, denying privileges etc. In loving homes these methods aren’t necessarily abusive but rather a suboptimal form of parenting (due to ignorance). When taken to extremes or applied very often – which is often the case in unloving homes – they can become abusive, though. For example, when the child is punished for even the smallest mistakes or suffers a punishment that is extreme/exaggerated compared to the misbehaviour (e.g. ‘If you don’t clean up your room, you may not find your favourite toy when you want it’ is a natural consequence. ‘If you don’t clean up your room, I’ll put your toys in a box and they’ll be unavailable for one day’ is an artificial consequence. ‘If you don’t clean up your room, I’ll throw your favourite toys away.’ is harsh artificial consequence.) etc.
– have little or no positive physical contact with the child (hugging, patting,…)
– not telling/showing the child that you love them
– having a cold and repellent behaviour towards the child (not as punishment, but in principle)
– showing affection only after some achievement, never spontaneously
– repressing feelings with material things (e.g. not offering a grieving child physical contact and the possibility to talk about it, merely giving a consolation gift)
– only saying nice things about the child in the presence of other people – often as bragging
– generally not listening to the child
– ignoring the child (not as punishment but in principle)
– having no interest in the feelings / concerns / desires / dreams / goals of the child
Have you ever thought,
“My parents wouldn’t care if I were dead.
They would be happy because I cost so much!”?
It is NOT your fault that you think this!
It is based on a Narcissistic Personality Trait called Grooming.
Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.
This is a pattern of behavior that falls under the
“we don’t talk about that” category in our family. My parents have groomed me to be dependent. I am their last child and they want to resent me for taking any of their time/money, but they also need to be needed, to justify their existence.
Don’t reach for that cheese!
My dad started hounding me about saving money and my money choices when I was about 14. I got my first job at 15, and haven’t stopped working until a month ago. Growing up, if I needed clothes, I had to beg for Mom to drive me to the next town so we could go to JC Penny. Every time it turned into a bi***fest over her trying to control what I buy, and her rule to “only get one thing.” Well, only getting one thing, twice a year doesn’t amount to much to wear at school. I was always forced to piece together some random “family friend’s” hand-me-downs. I was bullied in school for years until I started bullying back. The kids thought it was hilarious I never had any sports bras.
Anyway. I worked constantly, paid my way through college, I got my Bachelor’s degree. I went hungry, often. I went far away each Summer for work.
They helped me with gas and groceries for the first couple years. They used this tiny connection to emotionally abuse me while I was in college. Dad would nag me about sending him the exact date, time, and amount I had spent, what store, and a “general description of what I’d bought,” for “taxes.”
They gave me the first loan last year when life’s obstacles started literally beating my brains out…I was in too much pain last year to continue my work past mid-September, and my Winter job ($8.50 an hour, son) didn’t start paying me till AFTER CHRISTMAS. So for Sept- Dec I was hungry again. And had NO money for rent. I asked them for help…
They barely gave me enough to get by, held it over my head, hated me for it, etc. But that’s exactly what they wanted, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing – getting by. I hardly made any money this Winter – I missed 2 weeks of work when I was out with severe concussion, displaced vertebrae, and and general unconsciousness. Then the season ended early due to horrid snow conditions.
Last month is the first month I’ve ever surrendered to “quitting.”I had a perfectly good job (except the insanely evil Nboss/don’t get me started on her/I had it under control), but I had to quit because,
GUESS WHAT? I HAVE EPILEPSY. And the seizures didn’t start when I hit my head in December.
They started when I WAS BORN (according to the MRI I got last week).
What happens to people who suddenly find out they’re disabled?
I had to quit my job (my boss would never fire me – she already fired everyone else and I’m all she had left!) The
DMV officially suspended my license due to “uncontrolled lapses in consciousness.” I lucked into
couchsurfing at a buddy’s place for this month only, and afterward I’ll be homeless, like usual. Unless I can round up maybe $2,000 for a first/last/depostit on an apt in town. After that I can get work again.
So I called to tell mom’ndad about ….my life.
Here’s Dad’s responses:
“That sounds really tough, kiddo.”
“Well, we really hope you feel better soon.”
“We’ll believe it after you see a specialist.”
“You never ask ME about my prostate!”
“I just don’t have any ideas for you.”
“So you don’t want to drive because you’re scared?”
When I told him I don’t have rent, and want to borrow $2,000, for first/last/deposit, he started complaining about how he “already loaned me $10,000, which he knew he would never see again“. When I told him that wasn’t true, he switched to insisting that if he helped me find a place to live,
I would probably just flake out and move somewhere else (How??? IT IS ILLEGAL FOR ME TO DRIVE).
We argued for a while, and I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again unless there was someone else there, to hear the things he said. So he wrote me this email instead!:
I’m writing an email rather than calling because our calls tend to devolve from conversation to conflict, then we can’t have a rational discussion.
First of all, I was mistaken when I said we loaned you $3,000 last fall [I guess that’s his apology for screaming, “we already loaned you money!”].
The amount was actually $2,000 which you asked for in early September to help pay rent until you started getting paid by the ski area [which didn’t happen until January].
I was recalling an additional $700 that we paid for your rent in February while you were still in college. I don’t think we discussed the $700 as a loan, but it was a gift to help you finish school
[then why bring it up?].
We’re extremely proud of you for completing your degree and appreciate all the hard work that went into it [we will now put a dollar sign on how much we “love” you]:
So as far as loans go, there is the $5,000 loan from the Alumni Association for college expenses [tuition] which we co-signed and are currently paying off in monthly installments for you and the $2,000 for rent last Fall for a total of $7,000.
Woah! The college loan comes back from the dead to help Dad save face!
The loan is interest-free until I’m able to pay it back, AND you can work with the Alumni Association to pay it back whenever you can; however, he intercepted their communications with me so I never got their letters. He sold his boat when he moved away from our family home (and left me) on the coast BECAUSE HE WOULDN’T HAVE ANY USE FOR IT IN INLAND.
He started paying off the loan without asking me first. Then randomly brought it up on the phone one day, and I said, “Oh, I wish you hadn’t done that.”
He answered, “well, I really believe in that association and think they deserve the money,” and besides “I’m getting payments for the boat anyway.”
He hasn’t mentioned that “loan” in years. But obviously NOW – when I’m suddenly disabled, in pain, homeless, and starving is a good time to decide that I OWE HIM $7,000????
Our “conflicts” usually involve me asking for a little bit to get by with, and him demanding several thousand dollars in return. Then I usually bring up that he seemed very pleased to pay over $30,000 to have me committed to a mental institution in 2012 for two months for “being too sad”
(They used my epilepsy symptoms to make me look crazy, and looking crazy for having epilepsy makes you sad).
My dad made over $100,000 yearly before he retired at 55. He’s got two new cars in his 5 car garage, and a NEW motorboat, and a camper-trailer, and a giant 3 bedroom lodge-style home on canyon-front property which he had custom constructed for him – complete with a plasma screen in each room.
I don’t speak to my parents any more.I would rather be homeless.
At least when I sleep outside, nobody judges me. 🙂
Anyway, he wrapped up his (UNWELCOME) email with this loving little quip:
You’ve been critical of the financial support we’ve provided in the past,
so please know that
we’re not trying to force anything on you or make you feel guilty about anything.
We’re making this offer because you’ve asked for it, and because we’re concerned about your health and safety, and we want to help you continue to make progress toward emotional stability and independence. If you’d like to discuss any variation on what we’ve proposed, please send me an email.
To all the other Little Voices:
We are waking up to the abuses of our environment,
We have been told we are bad and crazy,
and we are obedient.
We have acted bad and crazy.
We have screamed to get our voices heard
and we are labelled manic.
We have been disbelieved,
and we are labelled distrusting.
We have learned from infancy that safety is arbitrary,
and we are called paranoid.
We have anticipated punishment and deferred to pretenses,
and we have been punished for being manipulative.
We must fragment ourselves to integrate multiple realities,
and this process is called psychosis.
What do labels mean to you?
WordPress Blogger Madam Nomad writes a well-thought-out argument against coercing seniors to allow themselves to be experimented on with poisonous psycho-active chemicals. And she is treated like a monkey that recently learned to type!
I don’t understand why everyone calls the effects of these deadly psychoactive drugs “side-effects,” as if these effects or minor things that may also happen in addition to your becoming wonderfully well and happy. The MAIN effects of Lexapro are anxiety, decreased physical health, and eventually death by suicide or poisoning. Those things aren’t happening to the “side” of anything.