We Are the Chosen

My partner is in the hospital as a result of her personality disorder.

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Why would anyone choose to be in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder?

You don’t choose a partner based on their deficiencies. I try to see the good in people. I’m trusting and naive and probably a bit of a fixer. But ultimately it came down to love. I’m constantly told to leave, but Jane’s sabotaging behaviors have left her two steps away from being a homeless shopping-cart lady who screams at mice. I know she snapped a month ago when I told her to leave my life for a while so that I could try to start picking up the pieces of my shattered reputation and my lost job and home. She drained my bank accounts and left me with nothing but a tent. I should run for the hills, right? But let me ask you, would you feel good driving down the road and seeing a homeless crazy person talking to plants, and thinking “Wow, we were in love a couple months ago?”

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These are the facts of my communications with my “partner” at this time:

  • Nearly every conversation ends in arguments over her denial of sabotaging behavior
  • Her consistent plan is to be miraculously rescued by me or people that know her
  • Any and all attempts I make at establishing boundaries (e.g. don’t enter my home uninvited) are met with defenses, excuses, yelling, crying, and then appeals for pity and compassion, in that order.

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So why stay? Why torture myself like this?

We are the girlfriends who are frightened of our partners but are afraid to leave because we fear what will happen to us after we do.   -Out of the Fog

I have a disability that I only recently learned about. I fear for my life; I wonder if I’m going to die soon. I wait days on end, alone, for news of what exactly is wrong with me. A couple of good friends have called to offer condolences, but nobody in my life really “checks in,” or has the energy or time to let me vent about my fears and frustrations. When I told one of my best friends I now have constant seizures, she said, “No big deal – just pop an Adderol and you’ll be fine.”

Jane is the only person who cares enough about me to offer emotional support for the exhaustion, the panic, the anxiety, the sadness, the sense of loss, the restriction of freedom, the isolation, the physical pain, and immobility of epilepsy. It’s not a simple, easy decision to just “let Jane go.”

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Just because I can’t leave doesn’t mean I’m happy

We are lonely from inside a relationship.

We have put off taking care of ourselves because of the overwhelming “needs” or demands of our partners. We live in a FOG – full of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

People on the outside of our relationships often have no idea what we live with. Some of us are constantly torn between trying to protect and heal ourselves, and trying to take care of a demanding partner. Others have decided that they no longer want a relationship but don’t know how to protect themselves on the way out. So many of us have been subjected to years of emotional, verbal, physical and sometimes sexual abuse. Sometimes, the worst scars cannot be seen.

-Out of the Fog

Til’ next time,
Vico

canthelp1

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